Navigating a Re-set

Burned once, shame on you. Burned twice, shame on me. A familiar quote to most of us, and usually spoken out of a place of pain and disappointment. We trusted someone and was hurt again. Most oft' it is the beginning of the end of a relationship. 

Yesterday I talked with a friend who had recently been hurt. As she shared, I prayed for her. I wanted her heart healed and a positive way forward. Too many people get angry and never move to a point of being able to resolve their differences. 

We talked about boundaries. While I am am an advocate for healthy boundaries in relationships, I often think the way we create and manage boundaries is faulty. We have been hurt and our reaction is to gain control in the situation to prevent future pain. The processes we utilize to control are faulty because they rarely if ever bring healing and most often lead to less freedom. We can't do this or that and all of a sudden there are all types of self-protective measures we are taking that do not heal and do not bring freedom. We're trapped in a prison of boundaries we've created. 

Rather than usurping control, what if we looked at boundaries as a way to define ourselves and bring definition to our relationships? 

Consider and define:

1) What went wrong?  What is the source of pain? Clearly define what happened. The expectations, the injustice, the offense. 

2) What is my perspective? Define your expectations. How realistic are they?   

3) What is the other perspective? Objectively remove the personal aspect, and set it on the table to look at it from different angles. Sometimes it takes a friend to help you do this.

4) Who am I? Who do I really want to be in this relationship or situation? What's most important? 

5) How can the issue be resolved or managed best? What can be adjusted to work it out?   State thoughts specifically and cooperatively. 

6) When can we talk? You'd be amazed what you might hear if you bring an honest and open mind to the conversation. 

It was a great joy to receive a text this afternoon that my friend was able to have a conversation with the person who had hurt her. They talked openly and made some adjustments in their relationship. She was excited to have navigated a re-set and to not lose a friend. 

Living our best lives will include crucial conversations with people along the way. It means facing the difficult situations and pushing re-set within ourselves and our relationships as much as we can to be at peace. This is the way we genuinely live free. 





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